Soon be nobody left now that Leonard Cohen is gone too... Someone else who had to deal with depression and his music soothed my troubled soul. Just sad to see that he got dragged back by religion towards the end after saying that he had tried many but cheerfulness always broke through. The year that a rubbish cover of his Hallelujah got to be the christmas number one song with another version I do not like also near the top and his own much better version somewhere in the top 40, I smiled for weeks.
Enough of that, no videos, I know that will loose readers faster than a post about US elections, so here we go.
Once you consider yourself transitioned you finally can start to discover yourself. All those years obsessing about, could I, should I transition, can blank you off from really knowing who you truly are.Then you start to wonder how you might have been if you had not spent so long conditioning yourself to survive.
I have always hated this time of year, not just because of the miserable cold and slippy walkways or the seasonal adaptive disorder which can push us in these high latitudes to a real winter gloom. What I have always hated is christmas. A fine pagan festival to welcome the return of the sun and lengthening days hijacked by illogical and oppressive religion and fairy stories
about virgin births and present giving. Now doubly hijacked by commerce trying to force everyone to over indulge in a glutenous orgy and waste funds which need to be borrowed to buy tat nobody really wants and in return receive tat you do not want yourself.
I grew up with mean selfish parents who were glad that my birthday was close enough after christmas to declare that only one decent present would come my way. What they could never know was that not only did they never give me one decent present, and not just because they could always fine a dodgy cheap version of anything, but that they could never imagine that their sensitive child wanted anything but brutish boys toys!
Even before I started going to school I was not able to show joy for any presents, quite obvious to us but a lifetime of wrong gendered presents is a lifetime of deep stabs to the heart and a lot of unwanted junk. I longed for a bicycle, even a “boy’s” one would have done, but they were as I said very mean and needed all the money they could get for spending in the pub! It was always a mystery as to why just about everyone else got a bike at sometime, even those who did not seem to have as comfortable a home as mine. Perhaps this year, in the spring I will buy myself one to explore the country lanes and tracks.
Even now I cannot reset my attitude to receiving presents, half a century of not knowing how to react. I have always loved giving presents, usually spending more than I can afford to get something that I would love to have received and can no longer afford to buy for myself… This year an invitation to a lunch party has arrived. At a time when others will be sitting down to their christmas meal I shall be with a large group of friends enjoying food and a little wine and best of all presence is requested but presents are banned!