Friday, 29 August 2014

New life.

I have more respect for bloggers than I had before. All those potential posts that drifted through my mind in the period leading up to starting the blog have  vanished from my memory and the blank screen is harder to face than you might imagine.

Two couples who are friends have become grandparents for the first time this month. The news has given them a new lease of life at the thought of interacting with their new grandchildren. Photographs are proudly shown of the new wrinkled bundles of joy and each gets a turn holding the new treasure. It all goes to remind me of the old life and role play where as a "guy" it would be assumed that you want nothing to do with new life. In some ways that was true enough, I decided even before I started school that having children was not going to be part of my life, I did not wish to bring another into the world to suffer like me! That said it does not mean that the nurturing part of my nature, that I was keeping hidden as part of my life saving role play, did not long to be within the warm circle of caring for friend's and families' young children. In reality a form of deprivation and alienation from real life.

I shall never know if I would have made a good parent. I shall never know if I would have been able to have a career which could have supported a family. I chose not to pretend to be a guy who could be a father and started my requests for sterilisation to ensure that never happened in my late teens. It took several attempts before they stopped telling me that I would change my mind. I hardly need have bothered, I was clearly not seen as mating material anyway!

I have watched others go through the joys and sorrows of rearing children and few have stayed to live within easy reach of their parents and lead more independent lives than previous generations and have to say that helped soften the thoughts of what might have been if this cruel trick of nature had not been sprung upon me... I know so many of us see no other way out than to try and play out the role as a parent even if it is not the gender role of parent that we would have preferred, unfortunately it often becomes a self made cage which is hard to break out of...

The one compensation for me is that now there is no hesitation to include me when the youngsters arrive.

4 comments:

  1. I liked this post, Ruby.

    Children are such a difficult subject to write about, but you've now tackled it, touching on some aspects of parenthood that some would consider best not mentioned - such as parenthood being a self-imposed cage.

    Well, you've spurred me on to work on a long-overdue post of my own. I wonder if it will see the light of day.

    Lucy

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  2. Great Post Ruby.
    As one who thought it was possible to force oneself to be male, and committed the sin of inevitably dragging a wonderful woman into my crazy world, I will say that these golden handcuffs come with fringe benefits. I had the chance to nurture two wonderful human beings and now glow when it is my turn to hold our grandchild on my lap. Ah, heck, I am glowing just thinking about how much love flows back and forth.
    It is a terrible, wonderful mess, yet in some ways that should be what life is about.

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  3. Oh I am not sure that you wouldn't have been a wonderful parent Ruby, in whichever role that had to be. Being a parent is far from easy at times but the effort (for me) is well worth it. It is a responsibility though. Living with children builds your own character as much as it does theirs. I have no regrets in raising my two wonderful sons. They wouldn't have existed though had I transitioned earlier in life and I would never have known anything about it. Maybe I would have regretted that, who knows? I wouldn't knock yourself up about the decisions you have made in life. They were meant to be that way.

    Shirley Anne x

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  4. Thanks all for your comments. Children in T blogs have been regular reading for years and like everything there is a wide spectrum of thought from "my kids and their friends embrace my change" to " my kids are the thing which makes transition impossible". I suspect that young children have little problem accepting yet another interesting fact into their ever changing worlds though I can understand someone being wary of telling their family that the person they thought they knew had been playing a part to keep them happy.

    A woman friend once told me that she would have jumped at the chance to have children if she had found a partner who wanted children and was earning enough to pay for them and the nanny to look after them.

    As much as I love the little creatures I do like to hand them back, especial for most of their teenage years...

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