Monday, 24 November 2014

Another one bites the dust...

After being out and about all day I came home this evening only to find a message to say that someone I know had just died. Great post hey? Sadly this is becoming a rather too frequent an occurrence amongst that wonderful circle of people who have fully and openly embraced me after my change. Studies have shown that humans are happy with a circle of about a hundred and fifty friends who they know quite well, this is about the same size that the average village was for countless centuries. Every loss from that group is a small tragedy even if like Tom you were never going to live to a ripe old age because you were certainly a jolly but over weight guy.

Another funeral to add to the calendar. At least we all knew who Tom was and the role he played, his sharp mind and memory full of entertaining stories and the great contribution he made through his social work career. We shall attend his funeral and hear the eulogies and everyone will get a true picture of our jolly friend.

It seems almost stupid to type that amongst the cocktail of things which pushed me to transition, as late in life as I did, was the growing realisation that I was fast closing in on my own funeral judging by the ages of those around my dying off. Nobody at that funeral would have known a single fact about the real me apart from the painful daily performance I had played out for decades to avoid hurting other people's feelings.

Some years ago when I attended the first funeral as my true self I never felt so vulnerable and defenceless. Wearing a dress felt like I was going to challenge other mourners and draw attention away from the lost friend and towards myself, I felt quite naked and fearful.

From that feeling of fear came the exultation of relief and fully belonging and acceptance when nobody treated me any differently from anybody else. With it came the relief that when my day finally comes I have a wide circle of friends who have come to know and I hope love the real me.

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