Sunday, 17 May 2015

First signs of warmth triggers memories.

How many decades did I live for the winter? We get long  dark winters and it costs a fortune to even try to stay warm but in many ways I was more content living with the gloom that matched how I felt.

The approach of warmer sunnier days held something of a dread for me as I knew a heart crushing feeling was just a short time away. As certain as flowers would start to bloom on the roadside verges and the fresh flush of green would soften the stark skeletons of the winter trees I knew that girls would be peeling back the layers in casual enjoyment of the warm suns rays. They would be exposing arms and legs to a fresh breeze and feeling the joy of a swish of a skirt.

If you had an M on your birth certificate until recent years even wearing shorts was frowned upon here, hard to imagine when so many  now take it for granted, dull clothes in dull colours was the norm. Girls on the other hand were free to enjoy the whole spectrum of colour and fabric choice, a freedom I longed for...

The sunny days are here at last and between the chill winds I have been out enjoying watching the year come back to life, at last I really feel alive. Being finally set free to enjoy so many small pleasures after a lifetime trapped playing an uncomfortable and unnatural roles hard to get those who have not ever had to question their own selves to understand.

I have a small patch I call a garden. The years of misery did not encourage me to do more than let it get overgrown, bouts of lethargy and depression hardly helped. Now I want something closer to a real garden with light and colour, perhaps not a show garden like those soon to be on show at events round the country, just something where I can sit and soak up the rays surrounded by some floral fragrances.

If you are yet to set out on the path to change I can highly recommend doing any heavy garden jobs before the testosterone fades away, everything seems to double in weight after transition!

1 comment:

  1. You and I are SO similar, Ruby. There was a time when I hated summer, for many of the reasons you state. Not only were the lovey summer clothes denied me; I didn't have the body for it either. I grew up in a Cornish holiday resort where men and women alike eagerly soaked in the sunshine in their swimming costumes, or shorts and t-shirts. But I kept myself covered up, ashamed to bare my hairy arms and legs, loathing my masculinity and secretly cross-dressing for some relief.

    How things have changed! Hormones and laser treatment have combined to rid me of my hairy body and give me some curves in the right places. I wear my summer skirts and tops with a joy that's almost impossible to put into words.

    Hope you're enjoying your garden. xx