I took an Autumn break to visit some friends, thankfully it was a warm week where I was finally able to open the store of summer clothes before they get packed away again. Sauntering along without a care in the world, with warm air playing on your legs beneath a floaty skirt is all it takes to remind you who you finally now are and everything it took was absolutely worth while.
Some people I know might have wondered if all that effort was worth it for someone who still lives a quiet life away from the hustle and bustle of a city life. Someone who is not out to enjoy all the possibilities available with that new life. The "sex" in transsexual is really all that people seem to latch on to! My change had nothing to do with sexual desires, it was all about finally giving up a life of pretence at being something I had know to be wrong for as long as I can remember. Just to be "me" was all I ever hoped for.
An online friend has a new profile picture with a beaming smile. Several months ago she changed from content with life to searching for a significant other. I am many years out of date with statistics but they used to show that more than sixty percent of us never get to use those cunningly crafted new parts to their fullest extent. We are warned that we may loose any desires we once had for sex, or not have enough sensitivity to make it enjoyable. Just finding a partner does not seem to be a problem for those who choose to use the internet. As with natal women the real problem seems to be when the desire is for a more complete relationship. The very world which now considers sex to be a game is stopping many from ever giving up the chance for yet another quick encounter... Even so it would seem that some of us can finally have it all as my friend has found.
In many ways I am delighted that I am not driven by desires to find such a partner as my friend, nearly all my natal women friends who are not in marriages or other relationships say that they too do "not want a man rummaging in their knickers" so I do not feel myself to be at all unusual in my contentment. It is some irritation that so much on film and television is obsessed with sex, and mostly casual sex at that, is an irritation, even finding a decent book to read is hard! Because I knew exactly who I was from an early age I assumed from the start that it was unlikely that sex would be playing a part in my life, of course we were never told that some people just do it for fun and have no concern for marriage, this was the late fifties after all! I shall never know if I conditioned myself to not expect to experience sex and therefore subdued my libido or if it was just extremely low naturally. It is still some surprise to me that I have actually experienced sex since I never went looking for it and would never even so much as have crossed a road to seek it. As it turned out women do not seem to like having to woo a male partner, the males are supposed to be masterful and get on with it. Darn it, I wanted hours of foreplay! I could go on but you probably have the picture by now, sorry not a pretty one.
I have had several months now wondering if my friends new life would stir up any envy or jealousy. All I feel is happiness for her and a little anxiousness that it will last for her.
Now if only my desire for cheese was as low as my libido...